Stand up to bullies
We’ve likely been exposed to bullies in our lifetime–in school, within our families, in the workplace–even at church. There are various ways to deal with bullies–avoid them, walk away, try to mediate, or find ways to be in a different location than where the aggressor is. Or . . . we can stand up to bullies. (There are various ways to do that, too).
David
In 1 Samuel, we learn the story of David and Goliath. The Philistine giant, more than nine feet tall, mocked the Israelites as they faced each other at Sokoh in Judah.
Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me. (1 Samuel 17:8)
Of course, the Israelites were terrified of the bully. He was a giant!
But, David stood up to Goliath.
So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone, without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him. (1 Samuel 17:50)
But we aren’t David, are we?
Where are the bullies?
I’ve had numerous interactions with bullies. You probably have as well.
I gained experience during my career as a teacher–primarily intervening when one student bullied others. Teachers see both sides and we try to help the victim as well as the bully. Most bullies have had physical, social, and emotional trauma that contributes to their aggressive behavior toward others.
Perhaps you’ve experienced bullying in other places–where you work, within your family, road rage on the highway, or a church conflict when bullies seem to flourish.
We all experience peer pressure at times. Sometimes this can be a positive influence, such as when the peer group is striving for healthy behaviors and encourage each other on the journey. Other helpful peer pressure actions can include study groups, support groups (AA, rehab programs, weight loss, etc.), volunteering and assisting for a good cause (relief efforts following a disaster), or modeling kindness to others.
But peer pressure can also lead to negative behaviors and bullying is a strategy used to convince individuals to behave in a way that is harmful to themselves or others.
How do we deal with bullies?
As I mentioned above, we’re not David. He stood up to a much stronger force in order to save his people. Our military does the same to protect us or assist other countries when attacked by bullies seeking power.
But there are other ways we can stand up to bullies besides fighting.
- Get away from the aggressor
- Try to mediate
- Pray for the bully
- Be kind
Get away: Dealing with bullies is painful, but it can also be dangerous. When our physical safety is at risk, or our mental and emotional health are in danger, sometimes the best strategy is to get away. Avoid the bully until we can communicate with them in a calm and safe interaction. In this way, we are not being controlled by the aggressor, we are waiting for a safe place to interact.
Mediate: If it is safe to do so, speak calmly to the bully. Encourage them to express themselves in a polite manner. However, this is not the time to allow verbal or physical abuse. I’m speaking here of a conversation between two adults trying to communicate peacefully with one another. I’m not advocating verbal or physical abuse by either person.
Pray: Pray for the bully. Something in their history has led them to be aggressive and mean. Even if they do not wish to speak with you in a reasonable manner, keep praying!
Be kind: We can choose to be kind and polite in all circumstances. If the aggressor refuses to respond in a like manner, we should “get away,” pray, and try again when he/she is calm.
It’s also imperative for us to protect our children from bullies. Families and school personnel should be watchful for signs of bullying and seek help–both for the victim and the bully. Here is a helpful article containing guidelines and resources to stop bullying and seek help when needed.
Stand up to bullies with love
We just celebrated Mother’s Day. My mother went to be with Jesus 25 years ago. I miss her every day. One of the most important lessons she taught me–and modelled for me on a daily basis–was to be kind–no matter what.
I’m still working on this.
Did your parents or mentors share strategies to help you deal with those who are unhappy, frustrated, and mad at the world? Please share what works for you in mediating conflict.
Overcome evil with good
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written. “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” (Proverbs 25:21-22) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:17-21).
My dad was really good and showing me how to see the humor in a situation, even if being picked on by someone bigger and meaner. “Haha, yeah, I really screwed up,” and then walk away. It shows the bully that you’re not his/her enemy and helps diffuse the situation. (Of course, that’s not appropriate for every situation!) He had a lot of wisdom, my dad.
Your dad sounds like a wise man indeed, Priscilla. Humor can diffuse many awkward situations. Thank you for sharing.
Once a young man ran into my cousin who was riding with us on a bike trail. He was going way too fast and out of control. He jumped up ready to fight. My husband reached out his hand to help him and asked if he was ok. His rage dissipated, and he said, Yes, are you ok? A gentle answer turns away wrath. But some people you just need to get away from. Good advice, Katherine.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Debbie. Sometimes when we mess up, we go on offense (in an offensive manner) to cover our mistake or embarrassment. How fortunate that your husband was there to show this young man kindness. I expect the young man learned a valuable lesson.
I’ve encountered a few bullies in the past. My usual tactic was avoidance. You’ve offered some practical strategies for dealing with something most of us face at some point in our lives. Thanks!
Terri, it’s sad that some people never outgrow the compulsion to be a bully. Seems like adults should have the desire to cooperate and get along with others, but unfortunately that isn’t always the case. As you point out, even as adults we experience bullying. Peace and blessings.
Romans 12:21 was the first Bible verse my mom taught me. It has served me well through the years.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21 NIV
Thank you, Diana. Your mom sounds like a wise and compassionate woman. Blessings!
Great advice, Katherine, and much needed in our volatile society.
Thank you, Barbara. Lots of prayers needed, I think. Wishing you a joyful and blessed week.
I recall advice from a 4th grade teacher. She told us that when someone is being unkind to you—we didn’t call it bullying then—to say or do something kind for them. I remember the look on a girl’s face the first time I tried it out. Priceless.
Nevertheless, bullying is a heartbreaking problem in our society. Your article provides sound and proactive advice.
Curious if the bull in your photo belong to you?
I agree, Candyce, bullying is a heartbreaking problem in our society. It’s not only rampant in our schools, it is a poison in our society. I hope we can make a difference through kindness, compassion, and prayer.
No, we no longer have cattle. I found the bull’s picture on Pixabay. I was looking for an aggressive pose and he seemed to fit the description.
Great recommendation Katherine and I will try these out in the future. I do think the most important one is to always be kind because we don’t know what they are going through. Thanks.
I’m blessed to have had my mother as a role model–I’m sorry it took me so long for the lessons she taught to take hold. Thank you, Yvonne, for your example of goodness and kindness to others.
Thank you for the thoughtful post. Your words hit home. Being bullied was all too common in my growing-up years. By the time I graduated high school, I’d attended nine schools in five states. I was always the youngest, the smallest, and more often than not—the new kid. That made me an easy target.
The Biblical truth you shared really resonated. I got into more fights than I can count. Somehow, God kept His hand on me—and my career military dad made sure I knew how to defend myself. While I walked away bloodied more than once, I never lost a fight, even against kids much bigger than me. That grit even led me into Golden Gloves boxing.
One of the more vivid memories—during integration and in my early teens—I stepped in to protect a female classmate who was being hassled and ended up getting stabbed. Still carry the scar on my left thigh, and while some might call it foolish, others saw it as courage. That moment made me a bit of a hero in the eyes of the girls and helped turn enemies into friends. And I disarmed the guy before the ambulance carried me to ER.
It was a different time. Coaches back then would hand us boxing gloves and let us settle things. Today, it’s cyberbullying that cuts deep in quieter ways. It even affects me with some peoples comments to articles I write — too churchy for some or too narrow minded.
Reading your post stirred a lot—memories, hard-won lessons, maybe even a little pride. Folks who know me today say I’m calm and soft-spoken, but they also know—when push comes to shove—the old alpha male Army officer in me still knows how to lead, stand firm, and see things through like a I was taught in my Army airborne, ranger, and infantry schooling.
Thanks again for the reminder of where I’ve come from—and why I stand the way I do. And that I need to be kinder and less confrontational in my responses.
Jimmie, thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging response. We grew up in the same era and I have similar memories–not that I was in a lot of fights, but the reminder that we often had to settle those conflicts ourselves. Thankfully, I didn’t have experiences with fist fights or knives, but I learned to deflect painful remarks or ignore them. You had some wonderful mentors and a lot of experiences–and with God’s guidance you became a strong and caring man, one “after God’s own heart.” Thank you for being a Christian role model for so many.