Excluded or welcomed?
Last week I attended a writer’s conference. If you’ve visited my blog very often, you know that I love being around my author buddies. Sometimes, they’re the only ones that understand our quirkiness and the writer’s need to create stories of meaning.
As usual this one fulfilled my expectation–an awesome three days!
Well…there was one little episode.
One feature of many writer’s conferences is the opportunity to eat lunch or dinner with the authors, editors, agents, and publishers that make up the faculty at the conference. Each member of the faculty is assigned a table and he/she serves as the host, welcoming anyone who wishes to pick the expert’s brain. The host typically has everyone at the table introduce themselves and guides the conversation so that all participate.
For one of my meals, I arrived first at the table of my choice. I wanted to chat with this author because he has recently published two books in a genre that I am currently writing. Another person joined me at the table. As we waited for our host, he and I introduced ourselves and spoke for a few minutes before the author arrived.
When the author joined us, he sat across from the man and they immediately began a conversation. The author didn’t speak to me, make eye contact, or acknowledge my presence. We three were the only ones at the table. From the conversation, it was clear that the two men had a lot in common. I made two tentative attempts to join in the conversation, but they continued to exclude me.
I was not welcomed at the table.
After ten minutes or so (it seemed longer), I finished my meal and stood up to leave. The author then spoke to me, asking, “Are you enjoying the conference? Are your meetings going well?”
I admit to being irritated. After all, I’d been excluded from a conversation where I should have been welcomed. Don’t get me wrong–I grew up in the South–I’ve experienced discrimination.
I’m married–I’ve experienced being ignored by a man. I’ve worked in male dominated settings and struggled for my voice to be heard as an equal partner. But, in this setting, I hadn’t expected it.
So, did I tell him what I thought? Did I allow my frustration and disappointment to show?
Nope. I smiled and answered that the conference was wonderful and walked away.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to learn from such experiences rather than letting the anger rule me. What did I learn this time?
I’m currently in a program through my church, training to be a spiritual mentor to others. This is a two year intensive process and involves much study, self-reflection, hands-on (and ears-on) practice, group interaction and support, and, perhaps most importantly, much prayer. One critical lesson I learned is the importance of being a good observer and an attentive listener.
Why did this person act this way?
- Most likely, he didn’t even realize he was ignoring me.
- He immediately interacted and found common ground with the other man and forgot there was another person at the table.
- Perhaps he planned to include me eventually.
So, instead of letting pride and anger rule me following this incident, I self-reflected, “Have you put others in this situation? Ignoring them when they needed to be included? Have you silenced voices that yearned to be heard?”
I’m sure that I have.
In our Sunday lesson this past week, we studied the story of Naomi and Ruth. Widowhood forced Naomi and her daughters-in-law into the most vulnerable position in ancient society because they lacked male connection (husband, father, brother) to ensure their safety. The Hebrew word for “widow” is almanah which literally means “unable to speak.”*
Now, I’m not comparing myself to Naomi and Ruth in regard to financial hardship or social standing. I’m blessed to have the freedom and education to achieve a career that has allowed me to be financially secure. But, for the short time I sat at this table, I was unwelcome, rejected, and silenced. It was a painful experience. I pray that I can avoid ever putting someone else in that position.
Have you been in a position that you felt unwelcome or silenced? What did you do?
My second takeaway?
There is one who will always welcome us to His table.
Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever come to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” John 6:35
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.” Luke 22:20
We will always be welcomed at our Lord’s table.
Perhaps I may meet this author again someday at another conference. We might even become friends and I can tell him about this incident (he probably doesn’t even remember now). I’m thankful that I’m not angry and that I learned from the encounter…
Be kind to each other, even when it’s hard.
Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. 1 Thessalonians 5:7
*Kevin Baker, “A Mother Daughter Covenant.” Adult Bible Studies, Summer 2019, Vol. 27, No. 4, Cokesbury.
On behalf of men everywhere, I apologize Ms. Katherine. I’ve inadvertently excluded others, including my wife, more times than I care to admit in life. I can’t think of a single time though when it was intentional. I too have been excluded from things many times in life. Other times, I’ve been the focus of cruel words and other things that sought to diminish me to build up another. Like you, am learning to walk away and let those things go. I applaud your actions, or inaction. My prayer is that the author who didn’t realize his slight (intentional or not) see your post and learns from it. I would assure him that he missed a wonderful opportunity to speak and share with, and perhaps learn from, a true blessing from God.
Oh, sweet friend, you know how to soothe a wounded spirit with your kindness. Your apology is appreciated and I’m so grateful for your thoughtfulness, but I didn’t expect it. I know these things happen to all of us. It’s your understanding that is so welcoming to me. I agree that in this situation there was no intention to cause pain. And, I learned an important lesson from the experience. Thank you for blessing me today.
I would challenge you that it was a missed opportunity for growth for both parties: you as a mentor and him as an influencer. I agree that reacting in anger would not have been appropriate, but pulling the author aside and expressing how his behavior was perceived may have prevented it from happening again. Andy Stanley expresses in his book The Next Generation Leader that we have to have the courage to challenge the way things are in order to grow. Something to think about.
Yes, as I reflect on the experience, I realize that I missed the chance to allow him to grow from the experience as well. At the time, I was so anxious to get away from the uncomfortable situation without showing my anger and disappointment, that I didn’t even consider trying to discuss my feelings with him. You’ve made a really good point. Thank you for sharing.
I, too, applaud your self-control with your emotions. This shows your spiritual maturity. I hope this author later realized his mistake and will avoid ignoring future conference attendees when the opportunity to converse with them presents itself.
Thank you, Barbara. I hope and pray that he does have some awareness of his actions and that he won’t repeat this type of experience with someone else. Perhaps I’ll meet him again at another conference and be brave enough to speak with him. Thanks for your encouragement.
Katherine, I am so sorry this happened to you at the conference, but, what an opportunity for me to learn from you! I probably would have “stewed” and been hurt for much much longer and it would’ve taken me extra time to “learn” a lesson and take-away! But, ever the truth and knowledge-seeker that you are, you gained a valuable lesson quickly, and found a way to use that lesson to grow your own ministry!!! Let me just say, that this other person missed out! You have so much to give and teach, that it was truly a missed opportunity on his part – though most likely not intentional in any way – but one that he’ll maybe have a chance to glean one day in the future! Because you rock, my sweet friend!!!
Thank you, Julie! I hadn’t thought to be an inspiration–I just wanted to escape without making a scene. But, thank you, for sharing your thoughts. You’re always such an inspiration for me, so to know that I shared a spiritual moment with you truly brightens my day. Thank you for the blessing!
What a valuable lesson your story teaches me! And the reminder that we’ll always be welcomed at His table is an antidote for our feelings of rejection and exclusion when they do occur, whether intentionally (which this one wasn’t) or not.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Candyce. I like your term–antidote. Jesus welcomes us at His table and that’s the absolute cure for any rejection or suffering we’ve experienced on Earth. We are so blessed!
Katherine, Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry you had that experience. What grace you demonstrate here. I agree with the other comments, especially Julie’s.
Thanks for your courage in sharing. It is a great lesson.
Thank you, Beckie. I’m thankful God provided me with the ability to act with grace. I certainly cannot live by the Fruit of the Spirit without Him! I needed to talk to someone about it and am so grateful that you (and all who have commented) have also blessed me with your grace.
Great observations Katherine. I like how you handled yourself as many would have reacted in anger. I have to admit I like KA Wpych’s comment mentioning kindly confronting the author to let them know how you felt. I agree that that would have been a learning experience for both parties, possibly leading to avoiding to that situation in the future. Nevertheless, I applaud you for reflecting first and thank you for sharing your experience. God bless you.
Thank you, Nathan, for your encouragement. It’s always a challenge as to how to “kindly confront”, but I agree with you that in this case, I haven’t given the other person involved a chance to learn from this experience. I hope to meet him again in the future and hopefully, have an opportunity to discuss this situation. Wishing you blessings!